The past couple of mornings I have taken to going for hour long walks. My intention was to get a little more physical activity in, but I have ended up finding it quite meditative. I’ll admit, this is, in part, due to the fact that I keep forgetting to charge my iPod and so I have nothing to do on my walk but listen to the sounds around me… and think. It has turned out to be very good for me. To be able to remove myself from all other distractions and think logically about various situations.
My thoughts today were inspired by a conversation I had yesterday with Elizabeth. We talked a lot about the power of intention, about the way thoughts can change the course of our lives, and most notably, a little bit about trusting and having faith in our gut feelings.
Pardon my ambiguity here, but it’s my preference today to remain non-specific. I shared with her a few things that I had recently felt tuned into and some new certainties that I had in my life, things that I now absolutely believe will be a part of my future. I mentioned that now I feel a little more secure, or in other words, that I can sit back some and have the faith that there are things in store for me of which I wasn’t always certain before. And all of this is true, from the bottom of my heart, all the way to my core, from the depths of my soul, I am know that I will be taken care of, that the universe has it in my plans, that it’s just a matter of time. Yet still, I remain very impatient, a little impractical and all of these leads to a sense of frustration and insecurity.
I find it amusing that I have worked so hard to right my mind, to correct my misgivings and give up preconceived notions in so many aspects of my life in such a way that it has truly become second nature and I don’t remember what it was like to live how I had before. Except for certain areas. There are every day things that I feel so in sync with. I am able to go with the flow in ways I have never been able to before. But then there are the things that I don’t consider daily, that, to be honest, I have gone to lengths to make less a part of my life for various reasons (those being the usual suspects: fear, feeling a lack of control, etc). And when these particulars become dominant aspects of my life, I so easily fall back into old patterns of leaving the present moment and inventing storylines and expectations of the future, of setting myself up to be disappointed or feel rejected.
Naturally, it all reminds me of yoga. In yoga practice, there is always somewhere new to go. There is never an end to a pose, we can always find something new, something that changes. There is always work to do. And so it goes for life. No matter how much we think we’ve got it down, there is always somewhere new to go, something that changes, some work to do. There is never an end. And this is by no means a complaint. I say all this and I marvel at the wonder of yoga and of life. We can never be bored in this way and there is thusly always opportunity to explore and grow. So I am at a point in my practice (of life, that is) where I have somewhere new to explore, some more work to do. This is another place where I must remember to stay in the present moment, live not in the future, find the joy in the adventure and excitement of newness the way I have been able to in many other aspects of my life.
As I walked this morning, I had a chat with the universe. I was pretty open and honest. I acknowledged first that I have faith in the plans the universe has in store, but then I admitted that I was pretty damn frustrated. It actually felt really good to acknowledge the truth about how I felt without judging myself for feeling that way. It was a relief to say, “Listen, I know you’re looking out for me in the end, but I am frustrated.” So I threw some more thoughts out there and I even (of course) asked for a little bit of help, a teeny tiny sign that would help me relax. I promised to stay open to the signs, should they come. I promised I’d try to stay as present as possible to notice they were there.
I mean, the truth is, the signs are always there. The truth is always present, but sometimes we just aren’t paying attention. Sometimes the universe opens the window just a crack but we’re so busy and preoccupied with thoughts of the future and of what we can’t control, that we don’t even feel the breeze and take the step to open the window wider and embrace it fully. So we continue to complain that it’s stuffy and hot and uncomfortable.
A few minutes later, I’d completed my loop and was headed back towards my house. I walked under some trees, the wind blew and droplets of rain started falling to the ground. For a moment, I was totally present again and freaking out. I was a half an hour away from my house and it was going to start raining. But as soon as I walked away from under the trees, I realized it had just been the wind shaking water loose and I would arrive home without being drenched. I don’t know if this sign was meant to be a general statement or geared to this particular situation but what I took from it was this: it’s not so desperate a situation after all. Or, rather, you only think it’s raining. You’ll be fine.
So I’m going to take that for what it’s worth. I’m going to rest in my faith, rest with my gut feeling. I will do my best to stay present, enjoy every moment, keep my eyes and ears out for the signs, for the Truth.
I’m going apply my yoga philosophy yet again: let go and let life.