I did not come upon my belief that God lives in me, in all of us, without reason. I have had experiences in my life that tell me it is so.
Recently, during savasana, at the end of a yoga class, as I was lying there, concentrating on quieting my mind, I received a thought. I say I received it because, while it was in my head, it was decidedly not a thought I conjured up myself. But it was Heard. The thought was this: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life. Not since my grandmother died, and even then I was so young that I could hardly understand what was happening around me. The thought continued: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life, for that I have been lucky but it is time to ready my mind for loss. This is not something to which I can continue to be immune.
A couple of days later, Laura and I were talking about this after she told me of someone else’s tragic loss. We talked about loss some, and tragedy and tried our best to understand what is not understandable: Why a person would take their own life. It was during this time, these days, that I was was discovering an awakening of my spiritual self. I felt the energy of life, of Earth, of God. There is so much love to give and receive.
Today I got news from my mother than one of my cousins, the same age as my sister and I, appears to have taken his own life in the night. This cousin lived in our house for a while when we were younger. We played Peter Pan in a makeshift bedroom in our basement. Later they moved to Alabama.
Not being a mother myself, I can never begin to understand the pain of losing one’s youngest child. Being a sister, I shiver at the mere idea of…. I can’t even bring myself to say it… it hurts too much to even consider.
In the midst of this tragedy, I find myself grateful for the timing of the Universe. I am grateful to have faith in something greater than myself. I am grateful for the things I have learned throughout the last 8 months. I find solice knowing and believing that Johnny will never be gone from our lives, that he can never truly be gone. For he will be returned to the Earth, from whence he came. He will grow up once more- as soil, as nutrients, as a beautiful flower. He will continue to give to the Earth. He will be in the air that we breathe and in the rain that will fall. He will never be gone.
“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.” Edvard Munch
“Believe not god is in your heart, child/ but rather you’re in the heart of God.” Jason Mraz
Rest In Peace, Johnny.