You know… chakra work and meditation sure are two bittersweet things in life. The whole idea of opening up and releasing attachments can be so good for you. But I discovered today that sometimes you can open up and you can let go and once you’ve done that, you really see what’s left. Sometimes in your practice you finally let go, more than you ever have before and you see what all those attachments were attempting to hide, what feelings they were trying to protect you from. And sometimes it catches you off guard. Sometimes meditation doesn’t make you feel like you’re sleeping on a bed of roses.
I don’t mean to be melodramatic or sing the blues. I’m really just in shock, the same way I always am when chakra work/meditation makes me feel euphoric. Between circumstances surrounding the last week and the meditation-yoga combo I worked through at home today, I’m seeing a clearer picture of the methods I’ve invented to protect myself from vulnerability and rejection– methods that are generally fall in the “isolationist” category. It’s hard to be hurt by others when you remove yourself from their presence. It’s equally hard to feel the essential human connection using that same tactic. It’s that pattern, again, of me turning inside so much and so often that I stop reaching out. The only thing that’s changed is that it’s just getting easier for me to see it.
I have a hard time blogging when I’m in this kind of a mood because I don’t like to let other people see that I’m vulnerable, that I make mistakes. It’s hard to admit that I get scared. It’s hard to admit to myself that I get scared of yoga because of how much more clearly I can see me, and see the things I’ve tried for so long to ignore. It’s hard to admit that I am not enough, that I need others and that I need proximity to others. But here I am, admitting it even though I don’t want to and posting this blog even though I don’t want to.
This is not a blog of hopelessness, though, hear you me. This is a blog of confronting the skeletons in my closet. I see them, I recognize them.
Now it’s time to start clearing them out.