Jane and I used to talk about what it was like internalizing all my feelings the way I have a tendency of doing. The way I was just carrying all of this garbage around with me as if it were hidden under my coat. It was weighing me down mentally, all the while I was convinced something was weighing me down physically. Instead of carrying my emotions with me, Jane encouraged me to share them with others and see how much that lightened my load. It’s so cliché, but it’s also so true. After my last post, my mood has been altered drastically.
I feel like I’ve regained some of my focus and my drive. Today, when I was with my friend Audra, I could feel myself concentrating more on building new bonds and opening myself up to her in ways Ed doesn’t let me do. It’s so hard to pay attention to the world around me when I’m letting Ed whisper in my ear 24 hours a day. Today was a good day because I realized that I have found someone in Evansville who I am really compatible with. I’m excited about this new friendship and getting to add someone else to my support system. It was so freeing to be fully committed to enjoying my time with Audra. I told Ed to shut up and let me be and he was silent today. On this day, I listened to Jenny, the REAL Jenny, and Audra, laughing about things that happened Tuesday and getting excited about the fun we’ll be having tonight.
I also got to experience and share in the absolute JOY that my sister experienced on Wednesday when she married the love of her life! I am so happy that I got be 100% in that moment with her (mentally). I would’ve hated for Ed to steal that from me.
The other thing I did was to read in my book “Life After Ed.” I turned to the section where the author is writing about relapsing. I realized that these bumps in the road aren’t the be all and end all of my recovery. I haven’t failed miserably. It doesn’t have to be the way that it was and if I have a night where I binge, I have NO obligation to restrict the next day. Instead, I have to “do the next right thing,” she says. I will NOT deny myself a meal. I will pick myself up, put myself back together and get going again on the healthy track.
The things restricting did to me physically are frightening. The things restricting did to me mentally are equally as worrisome. I don’t want to be there again. I’m seeing once more how restricting is not the answer and feeling that welcome feeling of real happiness that comes from just letting go.
Before I sign off, I just want to send one more huge congratulations to my sister and my brother-in-law (even though I’ve considered LB my brother for years now!) on their marriage. I am SO happy for you two! I wish I could’ve been there but I’m sincerely looking forward to the time when we can all be together celebrating our family! I love you guys!