Everything Flows Onward

finding my dharma. living my dharma.

my story January 29, 2008

Filed under: anorexia,friends — Jenny @ 10:39 pm

I struggle with anorexia and I have been for nearly a year and a half now. I started getting help last semester and I made huge improvements. Now that I’m in Evansville and on my own, I don’t really have the resources just yet to carry on with therapy. So I’m out here to trying to remember everything Jane helped me realize and trying to apply it to my every day life. It’s all up to me now. Long story short: it hasn’t been easy. Everyday is a battle and a process. I won’t pretend either that I haven’t had days of restriction. I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes along the way in my recovery. It almost seems natural that I would slip up a little. I’m no pro at this recovery deal. And that’s okay.

Truth be told, I almost expected it to happen. I’m in a new place, starting from scratch, working a schedule that doesn’t allow for too much consistency, worrying about new, adult things and trying to figure out the path certain elements of my life are taking. I’m out of my comfort zone and this translates to one thing: that same old feeling of not being in control.
This is the root of all my evils, I’ve discovered.

Part of what I did with my eating disorder (who will henceforth be called Ed) was restrict in order to control SOMETHING when I felt like everything else was out of my grasp. What happened was I lost even more control over my life because I was actually giving it all over to Ed. And let me tell you something about Ed. He’s one smooth talker. He had (and lately he’s been trying to make that present-tense) a way of convincing me the things I did were good for me. He would build me up one second and tear me down the next.

Last semester I learned, first, to stop listening to him and to decide for myself what was good and bad. Then, and possibly most importantly, I learned to disagree with him and to mean it. I realized Ed was a jerk and no good for me. I separated from Ed.

Now, I’ve made friends here in Evansville, but it’s still too soon for any of these to stand up to the deeper relationships time and circumstances have had me move away from (geographically, I mean). Suffice it to say, I have moments of loneliness here. These are the moments that Ed stands up in his little corner of my mind that he still occupies and tries to remind me he’s someone who’s “there for me.” And like I said earlier… there have been days lately that I’ve listened to him and come dangerously close to letting him back in my life.

The point of this blog, I realized last night, is going to be to work it out– outside of my head and with the help of the people that love me most. Because the truth is, I haven’t stopped needing you all and I haven’t stopped struggling. And I don’t want Ed to be my confidant anymore. I want you all because I don’t want the false happiness that Ed offers me.

I want the real thing.

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4 Responses to “my story”

  1. Erin Says:

    this made me cry a lil sis :(…and also wish that evansville wasn’t so geographically far from manchester (although hopefully the democrats in 2008 can change that). i miss you bunches, and although i’ve made friends since my move, you’re still my bestest, and basically the only person i want to call when i don’t want to talk. 🙂 i love you bunches, and we must work on a plan to get you to CT (that doesn’t involve stowing you away or hijacking). Loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

  2. cassidy Says:

    with all the blogging going on, my heart sure was a-swellin’, but jenny, dear, you made it burst.

    what we’ve got ourselves here is a big ol’ bunch of lifelines stretching across all the crazy distances that those fabled Four Winds have scattered us to. and i’m clinging on them, too.

    it’s very clear to me that you haven’t forgotten to be awesome.

  3. Laura Says:

    i love you. i think that’s all i need to say.

  4. Elizabeth Says:

    you definitely have the real thing, even though i’m sending it to you par avion from 4,000 miles away. i love you so much and reading this makes me SO, so proud of you and to call you one of my very best friends. i can’t wait to read more.

    love you!
    elizabeth


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